Science says we like it when people flirt with our partner. To the point. Science says we like it when people flirt with our partner – until that moment

There is a social phenomenon that psychology professor Hurit Birnbaum often observes among his acquaintances and couples in the wild: Thinking they are being cunning, one partner will try to make the other jealous or excited by flirting or seeking attention. in another place.

“It made me wonder: Is this strategy really working? Does it make the partner feel more desirable, or is it counterproductive and damaging to the relationship?” she told HuffPost.

Piqued her interest, she and her research team at Reichmann University in Herzliya, Israel, teamed up with researchers from University of Rochester in New York to investigate this very premise. A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research reveal their findings.

Research has revealed a surprising twist in how we respond to others’ interest in our partners: At first we seem to like it, but that enthusiasm doesn’t last long. After we’re married and in a relationship, seeing someone flirt with our partner diminishes both our desire for them and our desire to invest further in the relationship.

“Both men and women displayed similar protective behaviors, including reduced desire for their partner, reduced investment in the relationship, and increased vigilance toward potential rivals,” Birnbaum said.

Previous research suggests that seeing someone flirt with our partners is a positive thing, up to a certain point. This is because, as social animals, we rely on social cues to help us find a desirable partner. One particular cue known as copying at the partner’s choicefound in humans and other animals: seeing how others are interested in a potential partner makes that person appear even more attractive and desirable. Consider it the “I’ll get what she gets” approach to dating.

“Or imagine you’re at a party,” Birnbaum said. “You might notice someone who seems attractive, but you’re not sure about their character or whether they’d make a good partner. This is where copying the choice of a partner comes in.” This external interest convinces you that this person is also worth your time.

Another example of copying mate choice, according to Birnbaum? Studies have shown that women tend to perceive men as more desirable if they are photographed with other women (especially smiling women), as opposed to photos of guys alone or with other men. (Do whatever you want with that info, dating app dudes.)

And she said that both men and women are more likely to be receptive to a potential partner if they see that ex-husbands were attractive.

We use it to make quick judgments about how a relationship works because other desirable traits – like how trustworthy a partner is or how loyal they are – aren’t as easy to spot.

“By noticing what others are interested in, we get a shortcut to figuring out who might be a good match, minimizing the time, energy and potential risk associated with finding a compatible partner,” the professor said.

Once we establish a relationship, copying mate choice gives way to fear of poaching: in evolutionary psychology, poaching mat occurs when someone tries to form a romantic or sexual relationship with a person who is already in a romantic relationship with someone else. It could be just a one-time connection that the poacher wants, or it could be a long-term relationship.

Every generation seems to have a famous example of poaching that instills fear in them: there is a classic case Elizabeth Taylor poaching good friend Debbie Reynolds‘man Eddie Fisher. Or Angelina Jolie is allegedly going to co-star Brad Pitt on the set of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ when he was married Jennifer Aniston.

“What’s interesting research on partner poaching shows that even unwanted flirting can cast doubt on a relationship, potentially weakening the bond between partners,” said Birnbaum.

The research methodology is usually a pretty low-key affair, but this one is pretty juicy: In three experiments, 244 participants (126 women, 118 men, all heterosexual) were asked to imagine a situation in which another person was flirting with their partner (external attention condition). ) or had a neutral interaction with another person (control condition).

After each experiment, participants rated their sexual desire for their partner, their interest in efforts aimed at maintaining the relationship (eg, doing work for the partner or deterring rivals who attack the partner).

The most interesting of the three experiments involved virtual reality: Using virtual reality technology, Birnbaum’s team created a safe environment—no one was going to be beaten for showing their partner’s progress on their watch—to study the all-too-real emotions of jealousy and possessiveness. Using a virtual reality device, participants observed a virtual stranger chatting with their partner in a noisy bar. The virtual stranger either showed interest in his partner or behaved neutrally.

The VR experiment showed that any kind of flirting is bad for a relationship. People responded to unsolicited attention toward their partner by feeling less desire for their partner, showing less interest in investing in the relationship, and becoming more interested in thwarting a flirtatious stranger. (They would say things to devalue or otherwise belittle the other woman or man’s attractiveness.)

“By creating emotional distance and disinvestment, we found that both men and women tend to minimize the potential pain and hurt if their fears of losing their partner to others come true,” Birnbaum said.

There are a few limitations to the study that are worth noting: First, it only included heterosexual monogamous couples – no LGBT couples. And it’s possible, Birnbaum said, that the results will vary depending on the phase of the relationship (eg, recently dating or been married for years), the opponent’s connection to the couple (stranger or close friend), and the type of relationship people are in (eg, open vs. monogamous).

For example, many polyamorous couples in open relationships speak positively about their experiences with compression: the feeling of joy when they see their partner’s joy, even if she does not provide and does not bring direct benefit their. So instead of feeling jealous or insecure when a man flirts with his man at a bar, he may feel excited for him.

Given the diversity monogamic and non-monogamous relationships that exist today, “there are many promising avenues for future research on this topic,” Birnbaum said.

An important conclusion is that, in general, it is a badly the idea is to make your partner jealous by looking elsewhere for attention.

“While this may seem like a way to feel more welcome or safe, our research shows that this behavior often backfires,” Birnbaum said. “Instead of strengthening your relationship, it may damage the very bond it seeks to strengthen.”

And if you find yourself in a situation where someone expresses interest in your partner, recognize that you can be a little defensive and not as cold-blooded as you’d like. If they don’t flirt back, you have nothing to worry about. Just recognizing that it might be upsetting to you and then putting those feelings of relationship uncertainty to rest can make all the difference.

“This awareness can help prevent escalation, minimize potentially harmful reactions, and promote open communication in a relationship,” Birnbaum said.