Asking Eric: After the divorce, my ex told our grown children lies about me

Dear Eric! I divorced my wife after 25 years of marriage. After taking medication for depression, her personality changed and she began cheating on a number of men.

I never told my three children (now adults, in their 30s) about affairs to protect their relationship with their mother.

For the past five years she has alienated my children against me with a series of false stories. I don’t know the details and my kids don’t want to share.

I live on the other side of the country and they don’t want to see me. They suggest I seek therapy. I have offered them therapy, but they refuse.

How do I reconnect with them? – Another side of the story

Dear Other Side: Accept your children’s suggestions and explore therapy on your own. Ideally, this would accomplish several things. First, it can help you process the events before and after the divorce. Undoubtedly, there is some pity, some resentment. You have to process it.

A second potential benefit: It’s a gesture of goodwill that can show your children that you’re serious about making your relationship work.

A third benefit: Therapy can help you unravel the implications of these stories your ex tells you about you. Even if there is not even a grain of truth in them, the fact that they believed the stories will color your relationship for a while. Thus, the ability to be brutally honest and seek the safe boundaries of therapy will better prepare you for new, more productive conversations with your children. And hopefully find healing.

Dear Eric! My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years. At a family gathering recently, his ex-wife made some inappropriate comments about my husband (who is the father of their only child). Also, to try to make a point, she “threw her own child under the bus” so to speak.

I didn’t answer so as not to create a scene. I consider my husband’s child my own and would never want to hurt her by talking to her mother. What is the best way to avoid unwanted, unwarranted and harsh comments? The wedding is coming soon, and I’m just afraid to be around her. – Ex-Strife

Dear Ex-Strife! Depending on how big the wedding is, my first suggestion is that you talk to anyone but her. She seems to feed on conflict, so if you don’t give her an audience, she’ll have to find something else to eat. I hope the wedding dishes are good.

If it cannot be avoided, then directness is your best bet. “The last time we were together, you said some things about (husband) and (child) that I didn’t appreciate. You are entitled to your feelings, but I disagree. I would like to have a good time with you today. Can we do it?”

More than 30 years have passed since her divorce from your husband. She doesn’t have to worry about what’s bothering her (and who knows, maybe some of her distortions are justified). But it would be better for her if she was. Despite this, this conflict lives within her and between her and your husband. It’s best to draw a line and keep your distance.

Dear Eric! Our daughter went “visiting” to Indiana with her boyfriend. My instinct that she would never come back was correct. Then, about a year later, she sent us a long hateful email, blaming us for all the failures in her life.

I forgave her as much as I could. What hurts my heart the most is that my husband and other daughters cannot forgive her. My younger daughters don’t even say her name. How can I help them work through their anger and grief so they can be more at peace? If I can’t do it, how can I grieve about it alone? – Abandoned mother

Dear mother: I’m so sorry. This estrangement has clearly shaken your family. However, it is not your responsibility to keep everyone together. Your husband and your daughters have to work this out in their own time and in their own way. All of you will probably benefit from working with a family therapist at some point. They can help you, your husband, and your younger daughters work through your feelings, work through your grief, and make a plan for how to move forward.

In the meantime, check out The Fault Line: Broken Families and How to Fix Them by Carl Pillemer. The story of the remaining family does not end with the departure of your eldest daughter. Take care of yourself and share what you find helpful with your husband and younger daughters. They can find their way through it too.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.