How to stop being jealous in a relationship, according to experts

According to Epstein, taking just a few minutes to identify your specific emotions (and why you’re feeling them) can help you look at your jealousy more objectively. That way, you’re less likely to immediately blame, berate, or judge your partner based on a fleeting suspicion. This exercise can also break the cycle of catastrophic thoughts (What if they leave me for their ex???) and help you consider whether your feelings of jealousy stem from your partner’s actions or your own deeper issues, such as low self-esteem or fear of abandonment, left over from your last breakup.

2. Check your suspicions with facts.

When unhealthy jealousy takes over your thoughts, it’s easy to jump to conclusions and jump to worst-case scenarios. They’re always texting someone… it’s probably their ex. They laughed at their friend’s joke, but not at mine… maybe they don’t like me anymore.

But remember that these assumptions are not facts: “This is the story your jealousy is telling you.” Alex Lee, LMFTtherapist in Fremont, Calif., tells SELF. That’s why it’s important to challenge your negative thoughts by focusing on who you are actually know.

For example, let’s say your partner doesn’t respond to your text messages on Saturday night. Before you automatically assume they must be flirting at a bar, take a moment to remind yourself of the facts: They’ve gone out plenty of times before without any drama, right? Or they’ve already alerted you to your busy schedule, so they’re not intentionally ignoring you. And really: When you have fun with your friends, are you tied to your phone? (Probably not!)

3. Resist the urge to delve into your partner’s past relationships…

Even if there is no reason to doubt their fidelity, retroactive jealousy (an unhealthy obsession with their previous romantic relationship) can still creep in. You might find yourself scrolling so deeply through their one-night stand Facebook page that you end up on their posts from 2015, or comparing your looks and intelligence to their cool, successful high school sweetheart.

However, engaging in such jealous behavior is a waste of time and energy because their past experiences are in the past for a reason, Lee says. To prevent resentment from taking over your current relationship, he recommends setting healthy boundaries, such as blocking or muting your ex on social media so you don’t end up in rabbit hole of comparison. You can also politely ask them not to talk about your sexual history if you know it makes you feel insecure. By taking these steps, you can protect your mental health and shift your focus to what is happening nowwhich brings us to the next tip…

4. …and focus on what’s going well in your relationship.

Instead of dwelling on hypothetical what-ifs, Lee recommends focusing your energy on evaluating the present: “It’s a good way to see how strong your relationship really is,” he says, “and also how irrational your doubts might be.”