Jealousy try to tell you something. Five Tips on Handling him with grace

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(Cnn) – Who did not feel lonely, stop the heart of jealousy?

No matter the fact that it is a sudden pain in the pit of your abdomen, bending knees, cold cold in your chest, racing heart – or something else – most likely, you have experienced jealousy at some point in your life. Perhaps even recently, as Valentine’s Day, a holiday seemed to be custom made to inspire uncertainty in the social media era.

And then there is a shade of shame for what he feels because it is regarded as a small, basic emotion. But is everything bad?

If you go to the American Psychological Association Dictionary of psychology“Jealousy listed as a negative emotion, where at the beginning of the definition”, psychologist and jealousy expert Dr. Jolie Hamilton Recently, CNN’s chief medical correspondent Dr. Sanjai Gupta began about his pursuit of life.

“But they don’t say that for anger or sadness – we just talk about them Being an emotion, an emotion that is informative, ”she said. “But there is a prejudice against jealousy that says,” Let’s put jealousy completely in a bad box. “Except when we really dig, there is jealousy to protect us.”

Hamilton, which is author And the relationship coach has been studying jealousy for many years. It points to research that emotion is present in infants under 6 months.

Human Development Expert ”Sibil Hart The study of this is great by talking about how jealous can to appear in infancy And so we could see it protective, ”she said. “This is trying to keep us in touch with our valuable others. When we are babies, it’s life or death. And when we are adults, it can feel like life or death. So, of course, it is easy to put jealousy into this category: “Can I just never feel it? It’s just bad. It’s a Yaca.

“But if we get closer, it can actually be incredibly useful and can even create closeness with us and between us and our partners.”

You can listen to a full episode of podcasts here.

Hamilton is not a foreign emotion. In fact, when it comes to jealousy, it can be said that she jumped out of Skovoroda and into fire.

“I made every mistake possible when I moved my own relational paradigm from monogamy to Polyamory 15 years ago, ”she said. “I made this switch for a reason; I knew it was called to me … But it hurts so much. The jealousy was a large part of why it is so painful. And my way of going out of problems is to study. So, I thought I should learn from this way. ”

The part of what Hamilton has found is supported by the opinion that jealousy is the protection of the mother-child’s communication, and subsequently protects his friend from rivals. Emotion can lead to what you understand what is important to you and help you set boundaries. Ideally, it pushes you to talk to loved ones about what you expect and what is acceptable.

“Jealousy, is not an unsurpassed emotion that people often think, it is actually evolutionary emotion. It is there because it was a goal at some point, “she said, noting that the situation can easily return to the side.” This often causes much more problems than people would. … Sometimes jealousy is useful; sometimes it is extremely harmful. ”

So, what can you do when a green -eyed monster comes to your door? Hamilton has five tips on what you don’t have to do – and what you could do instead.

Do not jump to conclusions and do not panic

If you see something that causes jealousy, do an investigation before acting.

“Immediately from the bat, do not go to the conclusions,” Hamilton said. “Instead, I would advise you to learn how to notice how your jealousy feels when it’s just starting to appear. Pay attention to your body.”

And instead of jumping to the conclusions and taking measures that could disrupt your relationship, Hamilton suggested “to be interested in (about) what is really going on.”

If you jump to the conclusions, Hamilton said it was important not to panic.

“Don’t panic just because you see something,” she said. “Don’t invent … When the smallest is a little jealous.”

Instead, she said, “Slow.”

“I need you to pay attention to the story you begin to spin because the story can have elements of truth that requires action, but also probably have all the data you gathered in your entire life – from childhood – – – – – – – – About how people are unreliable or you are not safe in a relationship, “she said.

“Don’t peck your partner’s car. Do not break any headlamps. Do not go to them all Kerry Underwood, – said Hamilton, referring to the singer’s ode to take revenge on the wrong partner: “Before he is deceiving.”

“When you are in such a high condition and see something, even if it is true, do not take steps that will cost you actual, say, freedom or your ability to return and actually have a new relationship,” she advised.

Instead, learn how to regulate your emotions and your body. “It feels simple, but it’s hard to do,” she said. “Learn some self -regulation skills, learn how to regulate your nervous system.”

It recommends that you pause, take three slow breaths and release some of your energy, tearing your fingers or shaking your hands.

By doing this, you can avoid jumping on the wrong conclusion or start a fighting fight, according to Hamilton.

“We also do not want to get that super-high state where we are now like a crazy … The one who got out of control,” she added.

From there she said that you can go into decision -making mode: “What will I do? What will happen next?”

You are not a terrible person for feeling jealous, Hamilton said.

“Feel free to spiral about this” she said. “Instead, let’s normalize this. Jealousy is a feeling; It’s an emotion. It’s there to serve goals. And when it appears, we need to listen to it.

“But do not demonize it or demonize it when you see it from other people. Don’t say,” It’s jealousy is so rough! “Instead, say,” You are fighting jealousy. ”

In movies, music and classical literature (I look at you “Othello”), Jealousy is often romanticized, Hamilton said. “And in fact, many of us enjoy (it’s) only a little. We want to know that our partner is a little jealous – and if they are not, we even defend ourselves, as if they don’t care, ”she said.

Glamoring jealousy, she explained, can also potentially glorify violence and other results we may not want. “We romanticize … implicit expectations and just read our partner about where our boundaries and lands are.”

“Instead, I would make you romanticize your expectations clearly. It does not sound sexy, but I promise as soon as you start doing it regularly, it really is, ”she said.

“There is a lot (behavior) that drives our jealousy that is much thin than” I see you kiss someone, “she said.

“There are thinner things like that means for you when your partner presses like in someone else’s posts on Instagram?” she asked. “Do you just have the implicit hope they should never do it? You really talked about it and you talked about what it means to you? ”

Do not deliberately lure your partner.

“Jealousy can feel proof of love. And we were sold, ”Hamilton said. “We have learned that jealousy should be part of truly deep romantic love. And so, some people become a little forced about the idea that… they want to feel someone envy with them, because it feels like a concern. ”

But Hamilton said, “If you feel unbroken, I want you to instead inspire your partner to express your desire in other ways. Be creative with a new date. Get out of the track. It may be time to engage in some new practices, some new patterns. Or maybe even time to work with a sex therapist or sex, if you actually feel the lack of a wish. It may be time to branch.

“Trying to make her partner jealous to prove that something would retreat to you,” she warned, saying that it became a game or a powerful trip.

We hope that these five tips will help you to cope with jealousy more productively. Listen to the full episode here. And join us next week on Podcast “Nagin Life.