Women, beware of sitting at home – you can stay

Listen, I understand. Cold – so bitter. So cold that I broke one of my conversational rules and actually engaged in blathering about the weather (something I normally hate, no matter how much it contradicts me to my fellow countrymen). But then I hate the cold more than I hate heated exchanges about whether or not it’s going to rain, so I’ll happily complain.

The cold can make us behave differently; it can make us retreat and think we want something we don’t, all for the sake of staying warm, cozy, and safe. Frost can see how the most ardent group retreats to its lair for a while and wants to hibernate. But this is not their normal state and the way they want to live. This behavior does not make them prosperous.

This strong allure of coziness, especially at this time of year, is why some women I know have been intrigued and even envious of Sweden’s “soft girl” trend, which glorifies women, often without children, who quit their jobs. These women I know are tired and really want a supposedly easier, softer life. Especially if they work and raise children.

I remember longing for such a break in my late twenties. After a decade of hustling, working and playing hard, I just wanted to rest, relax and travel. I even thought maternity leave can be like this. How I laughed pitifully when I finally got to that “vacation” period, only to find that there was no vacation and relaxation. Lots of false advertising?

Apart from the fear of losing the foothold I had chosen for myself in the media, there was one major problem: cash. And the lack of it, if I allowed myself such a life. Because I couldn’t destroy my husband or anyone else. I simply could not and would not enjoy such a period without guilt. So instead, I continued working and went on epic vacation adventures.

One 25-year-old Swedish woman interviewed by one of my BBC colleagues for a report on this soft girl trend explained that she had quit her job – which included working in shops, nursing homes and factories – a year ago, to become a “friend left at home”. She claimed she had never been happier.
“My life is softer,” she said. “I don’t fight. I’m not very stressed.”

Her boyfriend gives her a salary from his money he made working remotely in finance and if she needs more she will ask. Feeling less comfortable with this atmosphere?

Leaving aside the very serious issues of feminism, equality and why on Earth men should pay for women’s lives (and yes, I know the argument that feminism is just a choice – I have been involved in many debates on Women’s hour for that matter) and despite the irony that this is happening in a country lauded for its achievements in gender equality, the lure of a cozy domestic life for women is admired for other understandable reasons.

The cost of living crisis and the volatile real estate market in many countries means that salaries today simply don’t match what they used to be. That’s why trends like “quiet exit”, where people come to work and do the bare minimum, are also spreading.

Then there’s the impact of quarantine and the discovery that there are two levels of work: those that can be done at home and those that can’t. Women also tend to take on a lot more household chores and child-rearing tasks than men (when they live in such conditions), adjusting work to domestic duties.
The right for more people to work flexibly and from home has been hailed as progress and found to be particularly beneficial for those with caring responsibilities. But it’s also a wake-up call, because what might look like a helping hand for women can also be a hindrance.

Debbie Crosby, chief executive of Nationwide, the UK’s largest building society, voiced these concerns at Today last week’s program. She worries that working from home could hurt women’s careers as they are less likely to come into the office than their male counterparts as they tend to juggle this stressful job and childcare.

She said: “However, I would point out that what we have found, certainly at Nationwide, is that men are more likely to come into the office than women and we just need to be very careful not to prevent women from accessing progress monitoring.

“I’ve benefited tremendously from watching really great leaders and how they’ve solved difficult problems.”

Many women will not be able to either not work or work at home. There will also be those who cannot afford childcare and have effectively been forced out of the workforce.

But to those women who may be seeking or leaning towards a softer, “easier” and safer life, I say this: you need both. Balance of hard and soft. Things that sometimes scare you and things that make you feel safe. There must be some risks. Not everything has to be warm, cozy and drenched in self-care. You still need the energy that comes from meeting new people or even the random conversations that happen when you’re properly out in the world in situations you can’t predict.

Women still need to be hungry for a life that isn’t bland and to be seen accordingly. And, as Crosby points out, it’s also important to learn from others and build strong bonds.

Life is for living. It may still be full of hot baths, candles and fitness – but there has to be more, because women haven’t come this far to start taking steps back.

Watching

TV series abbreviation. This sun-drenched feel-good series about a group of psychiatrists is from the mastermind behind another Apple feel-good show: Ted Lasso. Harrison Ford leads a cast that quickly feels like home. And, of course, all psychologists have their own psychological problems. The goal is cheerful and humane. Drink.

Listening

Kush Jumbo Origins podcast. As a major fan A good wifeI have long loved Jumbo and was lucky enough to see her in Hamlet. Imagine my joy at being able to tune into a conversation between her and her ex A good wife colleague – stunning Julianne Margulies. It feels like real eavesdropping, which is definitely what I’m after.

See

New production of the National Theater named after The importance of being honest. I would like to connect with the energy of this exquisite production. Nkuti Gatwa and Hugh Skinner are simply wonderful, but it is Lady Bracknell, magnificently played by Sharon D. Clark, remained in memory for the longest time. I really enjoyed the way she delivered Oscar Wilde’s scathing quotes.