Is it retroactive jealousy or sexism? – hassteveclarkresignedyet

When 26-year-old Alice met her ex-boyfriend at university, she was ending a string of one-night stands. Her ex, on the other hand, was more of a relationship or constant friends-with-benefits type, and soon became obsessed with why Alice “slept” before meeting him. “Obviously, no answer was enough,” she recalls. “He once said he was embarrassed to be seen with me on campus because I had a reputation.” Throughout the relationship, Alice was “forbidden” to see past relationships; her boyfriend even advised her once if they fell apartnot to tell future partners about her past, as it might hinder her chances with them.

At first glance, the former Alice had the so-called “Rebecca Syndrome,” named after Daphne Du Maurier’s 1983 novel. Rebeccain which a woman is haunted by her husband’s ex-wife’s inheritance. Its other name, which is more often used among psychologists, is retroactivity jealousy. “Retroactive jealousy is when someone becomes preoccupied with their partner’s past romantic relationships or experiences,” explains a clinical psychologist. Olena Turoni. Usually caused by low self-esteem, Rebecca syndrome can cause people become obsessed with former partnerschecking their social media profiles, wondering who they are and what they are like. Or they can internalize jealousybecomes insecure and seeks reassurance.

For people dealing with retroactive jealousy, Turoni says, “it can feel overwhelming, as thoughts about their partner’s history take up more and more mental space.” She adds, “Instead of enjoying the current relationship, a person with retroactive jealousy often revisits and analyzes the details of their partner’s past relationships, sometimes obsessively.” This can lead to a difficult-to-break cycle of worry and reassurance-seeking, and can even develop into OCD.

However, for some, jealousy can be less low-key self respect and instead rooted in something more sinister. Although Alice believes her partner’s comments had different roots, “it was definitely sexist.” A look at r/RetroactiveJealousy subreddit, which has 17,000 users at the time of writing, supports Alice’s theory, revealing an undercurrent of misogyny.

One man who seems genuinely repentant wrote that he couldn’t stop thinking about the “couple of relationships” his current partner had before she met him, which unfortunately ended in her ghostly. “(Finding out) was like a punch in the stomach and I felt extreme disgust, anger and frustration,” he wrote. “Suddenly I felt alienated from her. She said she was very lonely at the time, but felt hurt and used.” He goes on to say that he’s never seen his partner exhibit any “unbecoming behavior” and that she’s always been “very kind, honest and inspiring,” but he can’t stop obsessing over the relationship. “I’m more angry (at) the guys who used her as a piece of meat and lied to her, but also (at) her for choosing to have sex so easily,” he wrote.

Another person complained that his partner took too long to become sexually involved with him, even though he had moved on quickly with previous partners. “I would understand the wait,” he wrote. “My position is that you should save things like that for serious relationships and someone you’re really committed to. But I feel a little dirty when she gave it to others so quickly but made me “wait”. Worryingly, some people in the comments reinforced his opinion: “Why would you agree to such a woman? Gives quickly and easily to others, but makes you wait? Brother, my condolences if you stay with her.’ Another man justified deception because of his partner’s past one night stand with a woman said that her partner told her he was “so embarrassed to be his girlfriend” because she had several flings before meeting him.

While it would be unfair to assume that everyone who experiences retroactive jealousy holds beliefs rooted in sexism—and that women cannot exhibit equally toxic standards—the sexist undertones of these posts are undeniable. Comments that women are less valuable because of their sexual history abundantas well as men criticize their partners for being “messy”. This isn’t just happening in the relatively small community on Reddit, either.

Celebrities have discussed it too. Olivia Rodrigo wrote whole song about obsession with a former partner. While on their podcast, He said, she saidformer Made in Chelsea stars Louise Thompson and Ryan Libby discussed how they never talk about their past relationships. Thompson said she didn’t know how many people her husband had slept with or even dated, saying, “Ryan never liked to talk about exes.” Libby said it was because of his “fierce devotion” and he didn’t want his wife to feel like he was reminiscing about his exes. “If you did that to me, I’d be uncomfortable,” he said. Although Thompson agrees now, she said there was still so much she didn’t know about her husband of eight years. Meanwhile, people on social media accused Libby of being insecure, troubled and red flag.

There was also the regressive talk that women were “less valuable” if they had a larger “body size.” prolific online over the past couple of yearsand the topic regularly becomes the center of pop debate on TikTok vox supported by manosphere figures.

Of course, none of these views are new. They are actually very, very old. as Beth Ashleyauthor Whores: The truth about shyness and what we can do to combat ittells Cosmopolitan Great Britainsociety has “long invested” in controlling female sexuality. “Historically, women’s sexual behavior was tied to their perceived value in systems that prioritized male power and lineage,” she says. “Virginity was considered a commodity—a symbol of purity and a guarantee of fidelity—especially in cultures where heredity and parentage were central to the social and economic order.” Although these views are archaic, they have been reinforced by religious and other institutions such as the media, advertising, and education, so they persist today.

It It’s no secret that misogyny thrives todayand young men are more likely than baby boomers to say that feminism has did more harm than good to society. Ashley says this is a clear backlash against the success of some feminist and sex-positive movements. “Feminism challenges traditional gender roles and rejects the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to her sexuality, while sex positivity encourages women to embrace and celebrate their sexual autonomy,” she says. “Both movements disrupt the patriarchal status quo, which provokes resistance from those who feel threatened by the change.”

“Feminism and sex-positivity are challenging the patriarchal status quo, which is causing resistance”

And nowhere is this more prevalent than on the Internet, where echo chambers and the prioritization of sensational content allow misogynistic views to run unchecked. “These digital spaces are a haven for people to come together over shared insecurities about changing gender dynamics, creating a feedback loop that normalizes regressive attitudes,” says Ashley.

Turoni agrees that sexism may play a role in retroactive jealousy. “Women are often judged more harshly for their romantic relationships than men, which leads to painful feelings of shame or regret about past relationships,” she says. “This dynamic can fuel retroactive jealousy by superimposing insecurity on social expectations, especially if one partner’s view of the other’s past is shaped by stereotypes.” The difference between true retroactive jealousy and sexism lies in the beliefs that underlie the jealousy. “If someone’s jealousy is linked to rigid gender expectations or reflects a belief that a partner’s past experience is inherently less or problematic based on gender, it may indicate sexist beliefs rather than just jealousy,” says Turoni. “The key difference is the underlying attitude—retroactive jealousy tends to be related to personal insecurities, while sexism is related to broader societal prejudices.”

It’s hard enough for women to deal with misogyny on the internet and in the media every day, let alone in their romantic partners. Alice says she’s starting to pick up on her ex’s jealousy—something Ashley says is a normal consequence of being slut-shamed. “I used to think it would be hard for me to find someone willing to make something happen if I even remembered sleeping in the past,” Alice explains. “I thought I was completely over it, but the topic of body counting recently came up with a guy I’m dating now, and it made me realize that I still have a lot of anxiety about it.” Although she continues to be honest, Alice believes that her past relationships have left her with some “abandonment issues”. “I always feel like I’m going to push people away if I’m ‘too’ honest,” she says.

Fortunately, Alice has only had good experiences when sharing her past with new partners, and now sees how her ex “emotionally blackmailed” her. “I had a lot therapy since then, and now I make it a point to tell each of my new partners about my past,” she says. “It means I really can talk about what I like when it comes to sex because my previous experience is not some extreme taboo, and I feel much more authentic.”

If you find it hard to think about your partner’s past without feeling a pang of insecurity, it doesn’t mean you’re angry or sexist. As Turoni says, it’s perfectly natural to feel low. However, it’s important to recognize that everyone has a past — including you — and that it doesn’t detract from your relationship. To overcome jealousy, Turoni suggests “building trust and deepening your emotional connection in the present, rather than dwelling on the past.”

“It’s important to acknowledge that everyone has a past and it doesn’t detract from your relationship”

“Being open about your feelings in an empathetic, non-judgmental way can help,” she adds. “Practicing self-compassion is also key—reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel discomfort, but that doesn’t mean you can’t overcome it.”

If, like Alice, you’re subject to your partner’s retroactive jealousy and think it’s something you want to work on, try leading with compassion. “Acknowledge (your partner’s) feelings without dismissing them, but gently remind them that these aspects of your life are important to you and are not a threat to the relationship,” says Turoni. “Clear communication about boundaries and reassurance that you are committed to the relationship can help.”

“Sometimes jealousy stems from insecurity or fear of inadequacy,” concludes Turoni, “so offering support and empathy while encouraging healthy ways to deal with these feelings can promote trust and reduce tension.”