Asking Eric: Friend of 5 years was jealous and upset to find out she wasn’t my bestie

Dear Eric! I have a friend whom I will call “Linda”. She is a very nice, sweet friend whom I have known for about five years. A few months ago she threw a party at her house and introduced me as her best friend. This surprised me, but I dismissed it.

Last week, my real best friend “Kelly” of over 30 years was in town and I posted some pictures of me and her on social media. Well, I got a text from Linda asking me about Kelly, how long I’ve known her, etc.

I answered her questions and she ended up sending me a three page email about how she was offended that I called Kelly my best friend when I didn’t even mention her and she was the one who was always there ” for me.

This confused me because every time I needed someone to be there, I called Kelly, my mom, and my sisters. Linda can be a chatterbox/gossiper.

I’ve also always believed that if you’re truly someone’s best friend, it’s something you both agree on. Since Linda and I moved from my old job, I see her about once a month and talk on the phone maybe once a week/every couple of weeks.

I told her I was sorry she felt that way. She hasn’t responded yet and I don’t know what else to say or do. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. If it matters, we are both in our 40’s. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Not Bestie

Dear Bestie: At the risk of sounding heartless, this is not your problem.

You are right that the best friendship is usually a mutually agreed upon status. Of course, there is friendship when one person likes another more. But the problem with Linda isn’t that you don’t like her as much as Kelly, it’s that Kelly exists at all. And it’s not really about Linda.

My heart goes out to her a little. She may be lonely; she may not have many friends. But she responds with a consciousness of scarcity, which makes her possessive. Your other friendships, even with friends she doesn’t know about, shouldn’t affect your relationship.

You expressed sympathy and did nothing wrong, so you don’t need to do more to fix it. However, if Linda comes over, it’s worth talking about boundaries and appropriate responses. That’s what good friends do.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or at PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.