8 ways to support a partner with chronic pain, according to a clinical psychologist

Many of the clients I see suffer from chronic pain or chronic illness, often in addition to other disorders such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and so on. Also, I’ve had migraines since I was a kid, so I understand chronic pain from a personal perspective.

There are many great books and articles on how to manage chronic pain, for example Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection (this is true for any pain) and specific for IBS, migraines, back pain, chronic fatigue, etc. It’s harder to find resources on how to support loved ones with these illnesses.

Here are 8 ways to support a partner with chronic pain:

1. Ask about the experience of your partner

a woman helps to measure blood pressure Vlada Karpovych Pexels

You may think you understand what your partner’s life is like with chronic IBSfor example, but you may be way off the mark if you’ve never lived with it yourself. And even if you have IBS, you don’t know what unique experiences your partner has unless you ask.

How does your partner feel about chronic pain? What are their hopes and fears about their condition? What do they want to try and what will they never try again? Openly discussing your partner’s experiences will bring you closer and help you be more empathetic.

2. Ask how you can help

a woman shows compassion for her partner Chay_Tee | Shutterstock

You might think that shopping at a store is good, and maybe it is. But for those who suffer from chronic pain with verbal affirmation of love language, it would be even more helpful if you took the time during the day to tell her that you love her and that you are not mad at her for missing the work party.

You’ve probably been suffering your partner’s pain for a long time, and what made her feel good at the beginning of the relationship may be different now. The only way to find out is to ask.

3. Be open about your own needs

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If you’re constantly suppressing your own needs to support your partner, that’s a recipe resentment and marital conflicts. Note that if you can be flexible, you will have a much better chance of meeting your needs.

Telling your husband with chronic back pain that you feel frustrated when he can’t accompany you on long hikes won’t go over well. However, if you need more intimacy and communication, consider alternative activities that your husband can do with you.

4. Help your children to be kind and understanding towards your partner

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If you have children, make sure you help them understand that their mom/dad wishes they could spend more time with them or do more with them and regrets not being able to. It’s easy for kids to assume that their parents are in bed all day because they just don’t care enough to come to Little League unless they’re told that’s not the case.

Men, in particular, find it difficult to verbalize their sadness at not being able to do as many active things with their children as they would like. If your partner finds it difficult to express vulnerable feelings in this way, help them and your children by telling them that, for example, dad would like to play ball, but he is in a lot of pain.

Even if your partner acts angry or indifferent rather than sad, it is not a harm, but only a benefit to tell the children that they are sad by missing time with the family. Also, if your kids can see you be kind and supportive of your partnerthey will one day become a supportive and loving partner in their intimate relationships and seek a supportive and loving partner themselves.

5. Encourage your partner’s efforts to work through their pain

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You may not be a big fan of therapy, yoga, probiotics, or whatever else your partner is trying, but be supportive. Alternative methods of treatment can be very helpful in dealing with chronic pain, and whatever works for your partner is great. Being dismissive or snide will only discourage your partner from trying new things, making them feel hopeless and stuck.

6. Research what your partner is dealing with

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If you’ve never experienced chronic pain yourself, it can be very difficult to empathize with your partner and easy to minimize or dismiss their suffering. Reading books about pain, for example Chronic pain for dummies (no kidding) can help you understand what’s going on and normalize what your partner is going through. Your partner will also likely be touched and happy that you care enough about their condition.

7. Also research depression

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Depression is so common in chronic pain patients that many people think they are biologically related. Understanding depression can help you understand why your partner may appear irritable, angry, withdrawn, apathetic, or negative.

Understanding depression this is a useful book. Memoirs are also great if you want to understand them on a deeper level. If you’re not much of a book reader, I’m sure there are pain and depression forums on reddit that you can check out.

8. Treat yourself with compassion

a young woman with her hands on her arm, showing kindness to herself Jihan Nafia Zahri | Shutterstock

If your the partner suffers from chronic painyou may need to support yourself and if you don’t, your marriage will suffer. It can be sad and frustrating when plans are canceled because your partner can’t go, or when your partner feels too exhausted to be affectionate (even verbally), or when they have to drop everything to take their partner to the doctor or take taking care of the child.

If you are feeling burnt out or resentful about being a caregiver, I strongly encourage you to seek counseling, and be sure to take care of yourself in other ways, such as maintaining regular exercise, pursuing hobbies (even if only occasionally), and connecting with family and friends Often, simply discussing how you can better support each other can lead to better intimacy and connection, not to mention that marital intimacy helps with chronic pain.

Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psychiatrist Mom, is a private clinical psychologist and founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.