Domestic violence: the silence behind most male survivors in Arua

“We have two boys and one girl, and I can only afford to pay for the older child because most of our family resources are used up to pay off the loans.”

For the past seven months as a single parent, Adomathi has been trying to pay off a 1.2 million shillings debt his ex-wife imposed on him before the split.

“This woman (his wife) secretly borrowed Sh1.2 million for no apparent reason and without my knowledge,” laments the shoemaker, adding, “I had to sell all the produce to service the loan because the village groups wanted to take all my animals. »

The marriage, sealed by a dowry Adomati paid in 2019, ended earlier this year after his wife believed he was not manly enough to take care of the family.

“Every time I went to work at Ajia Market, she would dress smart and leave the children at home unattended only to return at 10pm,” he says.

Trying to save the marriage

The most famous immediate remedies he sought never produced results, but only made the problem worse.

“Every time I tried to talk to her about her late moves, she got angry, so I called a clan meeting, but she didn’t heed any warnings,” he says.

The disrespect continued to the point where she denied him conjugal rights. He learned of her infidelity only after she abandoned him and the children for a wealthier man.

He says, “I was stressed, but I kept the pain inside because of cultural constructs and was afraid to talk.”

His case is not an isolated one as more men like him in and around Arua are forced to suffer in silence from intimate partner violence because of such cultural beliefs about how family conflicts should be resolved.

About 67 cases of gender-based violence (GBV) were reported by men from January to August 2024, according to the Child and Family Protection Unit of the Arua Central Police Department.

The findings establish different forms of violence among men: approximately 30 men experienced sexual violence, 12 men experienced emotional violence, and 15 men experienced economic violence within a six-month period.

The silence of shame for most male survivors is due to cultural connotations that restrict men from speaking out about the growing vice in the region.

Aruba is a Lugbara cultural justice mechanism designed to reconcile individuals who have accessed formal justice systems and escalated conflict. The concept evolved under the taboo of “Mundu ba ere ere”, meaning that the official justice system destroys people and vital social relationships.

“In our culture, if a man and a woman fight and it causes bruises and blemishes on the body, you don’t report it to the authorities because it brings curses, death and strange diseases to families. So, people suffer quietly because of such cultural norms,” explains Susan Ezatia, leader of the Lugbara-Lugbara Kari Cultural Institution.

Aimed at helping people who have experienced various forms of marital pain to instead seek advice from their elders or resolve matters within their households, Aruba has been widely abused as a punishment, especially for those who have experienced domestic violence.

This misinterpretation of the mechanism that Aruba aims to solve in households explains the difficulties that Adomati has been facing for some time.

“I could sue this woman, but I fear my children’s future will suffer. That’s why I can’t continue to investigate the case in the police,” he shares.

Ezatia described Aruba as a mechanism that helps families experiencing various forms of violence to reconcile their misunderstandings. She notes that they even went to hospitals to check this norm, because, they say, the skin is getting lighter, or the children will die, or they will be malnourished.

“Together with the victims, we examined the children and found that the children were suffering from kwashiorkor,” she says.

She adds that many have come to the realization that the negative connotations surrounding Aruba are just a myth and a system of controlling and torturing others.

“We also had a dialogue with the community where we involved men and women and found out the causes of some problems. And how they can be resolved by involving mediators or close family members to facilitate reconciliation and thus change in the community.”

A similar problem or overcoming barriers

Lawrence Auma is a testament to overcoming the barriers created by Aruba. Auma talks about how he had to survive an abusive relationship of 11 years.

“My wife was only 17 and I was 22 when we got married. She was unsure about my work. Since I was a boda boda rider, she treated every client as my lover. This led to the fact that she became strict with me,” says the 32-year-old victim about the cruelty he faced while trying to free his family from poverty.

“It was difficult, my wife would hear rumors about me and my clients because she was a housewife, and she would argue with me at work and at home,” he says.

He recalls cases when he was ashamed at work, and even days he had to starve because he was not fed at home.

However, he decided to speak out, and when the issue was not resolved at the family level, he turned to the local leadership.

“When I was recruiting LCs, I was mentored and kept in good company by other men with great solutions. I was also involved with a community organization that offered my wife a role as a parasocial worker. She is busy now and has no time to start conflicts.”

Harriet Fikira, Coordinator of Community Empowerment for Rural Development (CEFORD), expresses her dismay at the silence of men leading to the escalation of GBV in Arua.

“Men tend to keep quiet because people believe they are strong and are expected to put up with their problems, but if they speak up they are seen as weak. It’s different from women looking for guidance and advice,” she says.

Fikira recommends that men use safe spaces as a separate arrangement away from women so they can talk openly about their problems.

“Men need a friendly approach and more inclusion in conversations about issues related to FGM, as well as private meetings where they can open up easily,” she stresses, further pointing to cultural issues that limit men’s participation.

“The males are afraid to speak up because once these issues are brought to the attention of the authorities, they will demand that they sacrifice animals to resolve the conflict. That’s why men tend to suffer in silence,” adds Fikira.

To put an end to such obstacles, she notes, “There is hope that this problem will be solved because cultural leaders are participating in our meetings to encourage men to speak out on these issues.

“We also meet the men in the communities because we realized that they are usually in groups, which makes it easier to reach them.”

West Nile Regional Gender Coordinator at Arua Central Police Station, Jimmy Anguyo, says authorities are working tirelessly to overcome cultural barriers that prevent men from seeking help.

“The number of cases reported so far has doubled compared to last year, we are happy that men are coming forward to report cases because violence is a crime. The police are working with Lugbara Kari, church leaders and other stakeholders to encourage men to report cases,” says Anguyo.

Most victims, he notes, do not want to open up publicly, explaining: “Men believe that if they report the abuse, they are no longer in charge of the household, and women have taken their place. However, we urge the public to report more cases of male violence against women for the purposes of accountability, planning and management.”

Authorities say the perpetrators are usually women who take revenge on their husbands for failing to provide for the home and take advantage of their alcoholism when they are weak and unable to fight back.

Reported incidents include malicious damage and threats of violence.

“Prosecution is not our priority, we prefer to resolve matters outside the court system, especially those related to family misunderstandings. So, we mediate, we dialogue, we meet and find a solution, and if nothing is achieved, we use the court as a last resort,” explains SP Anguio, adding, “We also check the follow-up in their homes, and if they are not progressing well, we advise accordingly.”

More interventions were made by civil society organizations. For example, Save the Children has resettlement centers or shelters for children and families seeking protection from various forms of violence, where victims are temporarily housed before being connected to probation officers to find their homes and help them regain sanity in their families

Ronald Kabagambe, a parasocial worker and resident of Etoleni Village, Kuluwa Parish in Arua District, shares that cases of gender-based violence against men in the region are largely linked to poverty.

“Poverty pushes families into quarrels and disputes, which leads to gender-based violence. The best way to solve this problem is to inform families and communities and involve local leaders, opinion leaders, religious leaders, among others,” says Kabagambe.

Kabagambe urges men to know their rights and break out of oppression.

“There is a need to move away from stereotypes of men as superior problem-solvers, as this affects their willingness to share challenges. He sums it up by saying, “Dignity protected is a life lost to gender-based violence.