O’Neill: How to launch our teenagers into adulthood

The 2006 comedy Failure to Launch, starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker, follows the life of a 35-year-old man who still lives with his parents and enjoys that lifestyle.

The US has a real problem with launch failures. Some of the reasons can be traced back to what happens (or doesn’t happen) during adolescence. For the famous child psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, adolescence is a critical stage of development when the adolescent experiences a psychosocial crisis, which he called “Identity vs. Confusion.” It is a time when teenagers must answer existential questions such as “Who am I?” and “Who can I be?”

A shortage of adolescent rites of passage contributed to this problem. French anthropologist Arnold van Gennep probably coined the term in his early 20th century publication Rites of Passage. In it, he considered the significance of the transitional rituals and ceremonies that occur between adolescence and adulthood. Van Gennep argued that this transition involved three stages: separation, liminality (initiation—a challenging interim), and incorporation (adulthood).

Parents of teenagers often experience van Gennep stages one and two because they involve letting go, which allows the teen to begin to separate from their parents and move along the developmental continuum from adolescence to adulthood.

There are certain rituals and ceremonies that mark the celebration of American teenagers: graduation ceremonies, getting a driver’s license or license, or turning 18, but they are not enough. Some religious and cultural communities have better rites of passage, such as a bar or bat mitzvah (age 13) or a quinceanera (age 15).

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Initiation rites are necessary for teenagers to develop the confidence they need to transition into adulthood and develop their physical, mental, spiritual, and social-emotional selves. To leave childhood (and adolescence) behind, teenagers need more independence, freedom and responsibility. Teenagers have to solve adult responsibilities with new challenges. Without them, there won’t be the necessary stress testing of mind, body, and spirit to develop the confidence they need to transition into adulthood.

Creating rituals is not difficult. My wife and I developed 13 tasks that each of our children completed in the year before 13^thousand birthday. Challenges were created with each child and tailored to the areas in which each needed to develop and grow. Challenges ranged from easy to very difficult.

For our youngest, his challenges included entering a piano competition, designing and managing a small backyard vegetable garden, sailing to and from an island by himself, volunteering at a local nonprofit, interviewing older relatives over the phone, and ironing a perfectly pleated shirt and pair of pants. Each of these challenges was meant to push him out of his comfort zone. When he turned 13, we not only celebrated his birthday, but also rewarded him for completing 13 tasks (ritual) with a five-course meal at his favorite restaurant (ceremony).

We don’t have to put up with the failure to launch a narrative. New rituals can be created to support adolescent development and help them transition more smoothly from adolescence to adulthood.

Steve O’Neill is the principal of Vail Christian High School in Edwards.