Heads Will Roll – The Dickinsonian

As of October 21st, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is bringing back a beloved tradition to campus: the DPS Drunk Hunt! This tradition was one of many that fell by the wayside during the COVID-19 lockdown, but now it’s getting a second chance at life.

Professional drunk DPS hunting agents trained in Xbox hunting games will depart from Kaufman at 6:00 PM on Halloween. They will be looking for anyone who has even the slightest chance of getting drunk on Halloween weekend.

When asked about the drunken hunt, President Jones replied, “Yeah, hell, get ready to hunt,” and then tapped his watch menacingly, humming “tick-tock” under his breath for over an hour.

“Drunken hunting” is a tradition for Dickinson as sacred as mold. The first took place in 1783, in which the power-hungry Benjamin Rush chased a group of three students brandishing a sword, and became an instant favorite among staff who were genuinely pissed off about the students’ poor GPAs. The tradition lives on, and most college presidents choose to participate every year because, in the words of President Jones, “I guess it’s shit and concerts.”

DPS officers will be camouflaged among the natural parts of Dickinson. DPS purchased several state of the art squirrel suits at a whopping 500% after training in the hikes. They will also place undercover DPS officers among the students to try to find out where the best parties are.

Students are encouraged to stay inside, making sure their doors are locked, and not answer knocks on the door without making sure the person on the other end can answer at least one pop culture question from the past five years.

If you happen to be outside, run. That’s it, just run. But keep in mind, no matter how fast you run, the DPS agents will be faster.

The college spared no expense in training these agents, and a notorious KGB killer was released from an American prison to teach the DPS to be as ruthless as possible.

If caught, DPS recommends disclosing any fellow students who may be drinking on Halloween weekend. If you do, President Jones may pardon you.

DPS reminds students “not to call DPS even in an emergency as we will be too busy hunting” and instead to contact CPD or even the police with any questions.

The safety shuttle will also not be running that night due to insufficient numbers of students willing to operate it. This is not related to drunken hunting.