Helping teenagers navigate the uncertainty of modern love

Source: Rowman & Littlefield

Part 2 of a two-part interview.

I recently interviewed Lisa Phillips, the author of a new book First Love: Guide Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. This is the second part of this interview. More about the conversation here.

Tell us about what you learned during your research for this book. We know that with the younger generations, social networks affects teenagers. How does this affect their reluctance to express emotional vulnerability in new relationships?

When I was a teenager, my lover didn’t come home with me. He was in math class and I didn’t see him until the next math class. Now kids always have a crush in their pocket to see what he’s doing and who he is acquaintance. How do these kids do it? I always teach about Research by Helen Fisher on a broken heart. She scanned the brains of people who had just broken up but were still in love with the person who rejected them. When Fisher showed pictures of exes, people cried and screamed and cried. Thanks to the images, they returned to the brightness of this gap. Now it’s a daily reality after a breakup. On social media, you see picture after picture of your ex living their best life, and that’s exactly what got these people into brain research about their feelings. “Social Media Divorce” is an act of self-preservation, but young people feel they are not resilient enough. Biggest breakup advice? Disconnect from them as much as possible.

Source: Ivan Samkov/Pexels

Research shows that Gen Z and Gen Alphas are more likely to abstain from sex in high school compared to Boomers. In 1991, 54 percent of high school students said they had had sex, while by 2021, that number had dropped to 30 percent. You have offered several theories as to why you think young people are more prone to emotionalism intimacy. Can we talk about why young people sometimes avoid “catching feelings”?

I think this trend is really exciting and disturbing. Of course, we don’t need to worry that much pregnancySTDs or dating abuse. However, there are many dangers surrounding the things we do to become adults: sex, driving, trying alcoholbeing in the workforce. All of these things make you feel less safe than when you’re at home alone in your room. Young people enter adulthood expecting this control over choosing what to interact with. This results in less openness in relation to our closer and deeper relationships that bring more satisfaction.

Also, the relationships that are going on are less defined than they were when you and I were teenagers. There’s a whole spectrum of relationship experiences, from talking to hooking up to “there’s something, but we haven’t figured it out yet.” A spirit of ambivalence is associated with this. This can be positive; you don’t always have to jump into a relationship right away. But at the same time, situations can be very distressing for young people. They are concerned with the question: “What are we?” which can create a lot of “I’ll take what I can get” situations.

What I preach in my book is choose what kind of relationship you want, but don’t tell yourself it’s not a relationship. Any human relationship is a relationship. Being careless about it is very different from being careless. Ambiguously defined relationships should not be a reason to disrespect people. Walk the world as a caring and ethical person, especially with your sexual and romantic self.

Credit: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

There are many important conversations around consent today. How do you teach young people to distinguish between the two flirtation against coercion?

Young people often talk about putting pressure on someone again attention as a negative thing. I don’t know if I can give a simple answer on the line between belief and the pressure between erotic tension and manipulative seduction. When flirting is done well, it’s very moody. It’s about what you try and how the other person reacts to it. We forget that there is another person on the side. Sometimes you need to stay away from them, and you’ve made that very clear. it’s normal! But we also want to create a space for discovery and travel of the fact that sometimes in sexuality and the desire is still not clear. Creating the space to find clarity and figure out how to proceed is a very different thing than pressuring and ignoring the free will of the person on the other side.

We are in the correction phase, which is so important. Speaking of consent, we are educating our young people to be truly aware of their wants and needs. But then we also have to work to bring back some mystery in a way that doesn’t disrupt but enlivens.

In the book, you talk about the mental health issues that so many young people go through and are more aware of. How are mental health and relationships related?

Every relationship story seems to involve one or both partners going through some sort of breakup or having an affair depression or in crisis. At first I started looking for stories that weren’t about these things, but I realized that every teenage love story is also a mental health story. This generation is clearly problematic. Indicators of depression and concern not very good, but their mental health literacy is also very high. When you feel like someone in your life doesn’t love you as much as you love them, you will feel it. You will feel sadness, malaise and pain. It’s all part of human design. It doesn’t mean you’re broke; it often means you are whole.

First Love: Guide Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak will be available to the public on February 4, 2025, just in time for Valentine’s Day.