I ask Eric: My husband is jealous, seems to resent his role as a grandfather

Dear Eric! I have been with my husband for 25 years, married for the last seven. We have children from previous marriages, I have six grandchildren.

He was abused as a child and worked in therapy to deal with it, but then stopped. He lost one grandmother early and had no contact with the other. I had wonderful grandmothers, so I loved being a grandparent. He appears jealous and negative at family events if he is not the center of attention.

I find my kids turn to it to connect. He is very successful in his career and loves excitement. I bond with his children and acknowledge their needs by making sure they are noticed when they visit. They are younger and do not yet have children.

My children lost their father years ago and encourage him to be a grandfather, but my husband is jealous of their dead father. We were at my grandson’s birthday yesterday and he was gloomy and had to leave early. He is not talking to me today to punish me. I do not reinforce this childish behavior by demanding his attention. I continue to enjoy life, remain cordial and social with others. At the age of 70, I have a life and a career, but it inhibits joy.

– a happy grandmother

Dear Radisny: It’s good that you don’t put up with such behavior. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to understand where he’s coming from and help him feel comfortable. But some of his behavior has signs of emotional abuse, which puts him in a different category.

Specifically his jealousy, his push for both of you to leave the family gathering, and now the silent treatment. He may not have the tools to deal with the emotions he’s feeling, but he should know that these tactics are putting you and your relationship at risk.

Although he did not have a good relationship with his grandparents or parents, there are resources to help him break the cycle and learn new tools. National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has steps to take and defenders who can help him make the change. Resuming therapy that focuses on how his behavior affects his family is also a good option that he should definitely consider.

It is important that you have the support you need to continue to experience the joy of parenthood and grandparenthood. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or helpline to talk about what’s going on and get help talking to your husband.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or at PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.