3 Most Common Complaints That Make You Sound Rude Without Knowing It, Says Renowned Psychologist

Complaints are, by definition, confrontational, and therefore unsatisfying to all concerned. However, they are also important relationship management tools, and they are very necessary. The problem is that most people are terrible at complaining effectively to loved ones.

When it comes to our complaining psychology, many of us create self-defeating prophecies. Indeed, after we’ve had a bad time voicing relationship complaints, we’re less likely to voice them in the future.

For a complaint to be effective, the outcome must be satisfactory, but more often than not, a conversation turns into an angry and defensive battle it makes everyone feel inadequate and unheard. Not being able to express concerns coherently and succinctly to loved ones is one of the common mistakes that, if avoided, can lead to a rift between you and the people you love.

Here are three common complaints that make you sound rude without even realizing it:

1. Intestinal complaint

Complaining before you think about what you want to achieve is rarely effective. Ask yourself, “What realistic outcome do I want?” this is something few people do before starting a conversation.

2. Multiple complaint

Mistakes people make when complaining Nicoleta Ionescu/Shutterstock

We often file our complaints in a flurry. This can cause a bunker reaction (defend and avoid) rather than healthy communication.

3. An angry complaint

When you indulge anger, you distract from your message. A raised voice and harsh tones may seem justified, but they are not an effective tactic (it is best to calmly express your emotions in words).

Here are 3 reasons why people are so bad at complaining:

1. The need to complain is strongest when we feel offended, frustrated, disappointed, or angry.

When these emotions are acute, they rob us of our ability to be balanced and rational, and we are more likely to miss the preparation needed to plan an effective complaint. Then, when things don’t go well, we convince ourselves that there’s no need to complain.

2. As soon as we begin to be reluctant to voice our complaints, we keep all our discontent within us.

After all, ours frustration ends and we complain too much at once or do so with too much anger, leading to poor results.

3. We feel helpless to get the desired result, so we express our feelings in passive-aggressive ways

It can be things like cheating or withholding that make us feel even more disenfranchised and even less likely to complain in the future. This creates patterns of unhealthy and sometimes toxic communication.

Here are 2 false assumptions that make our complaints less effective:

1. We believe we have to make the “best” case by presenting multiple examples/cases of the same “misconduct”

You can have a hundred examples, but you only need one to explain why you’re complaining. A few examples make it feel like you’re attacking the character rather than the behavior.

2. We believe that expressing our feelings will make us feel better, but this is not necessarily the case

Mistakes people make when complaining Timur Weber / Pexels

If venting your feelings caused a fight, you won’t feel much relief. In order to feel relief, we need the other person to “get” what we’re feeling and communicate it to us. In other words, the active ingredient is not in the vent, but in it emotional confirmation we hope to do so.

“Complaint sandwich” is a simple formula for how to effectively complain to a loved one. The purpose of the complaint sandwich is to get your complaint heard, despite the natural trigger of complaints to the defense, and to get the recipient to respond favorably to your “ask” (which you should come up with after thinking about the outcome you want to achieve). .

The first slice of bread in the “complaint sandwich” is positive. This is a positive statement called “Ear Opening”. Its purpose is to lower the receiver’s defensiveness and allow him to absorb the complaint and follow it.

The “meat” of the “complaint sandwich” is the problem itself. “Meat” is an actual complaint or request for redress. It should be modest and stick to a single incident and a single principle.

The second slice of bread in the “complaint sandwich” evokes a good reaction from the recipient. This is a positive statement called the Digestive System.

Its purpose is to increase the receiver’s motivation to respond positively to our request (for example, apologize, agree to make an effort to change, be more attentive to the problem, etc.) by assuring him that this will improve the situation between us and get things done.

Below is a step-by-step illustration of how to make and use a “complaint sandwich.”

Let’s use the following complaint as an example: You were out with another couple and your partner “jokingly” criticized your kitchen in front of them, and it hurt your feelings.

1. When you are alone, tell them there is something you would like to discuss

This lets them know it’s important and you want their full attention. Don’t start a conversation on the go or when they’re busy with another task, as you won’t have their full attention.

2. The opener should set the context and be positive

For example (A) “I like that we can joke and tease each other about certain things” or (B) “I’m glad we made friends with Sam and Robin – it’s fun to hang out with other couples.”

3. “Meat” should be lean and simple

You might say, “But I hated it when you made a joke about my cooking in front of Sam and Robin. My feelings were hurt and I felt embarrassed,” or “But I felt uncomfortable joking about my cooking in front of them.”

4. “Digest” should include your “question” and reassurance

Mistakes people make when complaining KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / Pexels

You state that if your partner agreed, you would no longer have complaints about this issue.

You can tell them, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, so can we agree not to joke anymore, and do not criticize each other in front of other people?” or “I know that wasn’t your intention, to avoid a similar situation in the future, can we agree not to criticize each other in front of other people, even if it’s something we joke about at home?”

5. Be ready to listen

In addition to voicing your complaints, you should be willing to listen to and address any concerns they have that are relevant and valid.

6. Be prepared to redirect the conversation

if they make their own counter-complaint and you haven’t finished voicing your concerns, say, “I’m happy to discuss your complaint after we’ve finished discussing mine. It will be more productive if we complete one question at a time.”

7. Get a positive answer to your question

We hope your complaint will be met with a positive response. In this case, you should thank them and express your appreciation for their willingness to listen and consider your request.

Guy Winch is an outstanding psychologist and a famous writer. His work has been featured in The New York Times and Psychology Today.