KENNEDY: Kamala hiccups, Dr. Jill steals a treat from Doug…and Joe cooks up MORE apologies! Inside Biden’s last Christmas in the White House

It’s early morning for the Biden family’s last Christmas in the White House, and the executive wing is already in full swing.

Dr. Jill wakes up to find the President hard at work at his desk, still wearing his red MAGA cap and Trump 2024 jumpsuit.

“Joey,” she squeals. “You know I don’t allow pencils in the bedroom.”

“I don’t draw, sir,” says the commander-in-chief. “I am writing my last list of pardons.

“There are so many naughty people in Washington and in prisons, and it’s my job to forgive them all.”

“You’re getting confused with Santa, honey,” Jill scolds.

Just then, a desperate First Criminal crawls into the room.

“What happened baby?” pleads Joe. “I thought an early Christmas pardon cheered you up?”

Apparently, Hunter looked in his Christmas stocking and discovered that the Chinese government had left him a lump of coal.

“Oh, Dad, Christmas isn’t when you’re a toothless lame duck,” Hunter whines. “We used to vacation in Nantucket and Santa Barbara in the houses of billionaires, but now we are worthless to them.

“I’m not spending spring break in Rehoboth,” he yells, stamping his foot on the floor.

“You’re telling me, buddy,” Biden says. “I texted my rich private equity buddy David Rubinstein and he said, ‘New phone, who’s that?’

But for the last Christmas of the Biden presidency, Joe has a plan. Of course, he suggests, if he commutes the sentences of thousands of convicted felons—and pardons all his friends early—then someone will feel the need to do him a favor.

So Biden canceled Christmas for the family in lieu of a pardon party and everyone would be there.

“Who’s on your list, Dad?” prompts Hunter.

“Well, there’s Sen. Shafti Adam Schiff, Dr. Tony Fauci, Uncle Jim, and Bashar Al-Assad,” Joe reads.

“Dad, you can’t forgive Assad,” Hunter chirps.

“Painters,” shouts the president. “Santa Claus is all-powerful!”

Smoke starts pouring from the fireplace, and a bearded ghost emerges from the haze.

“I am the specter of the future of the US justice system,” howls the spirit.

“Stop it, Kevin,” Hunter chides his attorney, Kevin Morris, who was the father. “And I told you: you can’t smoke a bong in the People’s House.”

With that, the family moves to the East Room to check on the preparations for the party, only to see press secretary Karin Jean-Pierre hanging an upside-down Happy Birthday banner. But the president notices another woman in a couture pantsuit balancing on a ladder and measuring curtains.

“Crazy Kamala, is that you?” Joe thunders. “After you spent a billion dollars, lost the election and destroyed my legacy, I flushed your credentials from the White House down the toilet. How did you get here?

“Oh, hi Joe,” giggles the excited VP. “I wanted to get to my inauguration in 2029. My slogan is Make America Grape Again because I love wine. BUUUUUUURPP!’

Joe and Hunter exchange knowing looks. “Yeah, and I’ll be the head of the DEA,” Hunter quips.

“Where’s Doug?” Jill asks. “We had such a good time at the State of the Union. I was hoping to steal another kiss.”

The second gentleman is at home learning a Hanukkah story (or searching the Internet for hot babysitters). Last year, Doug messed up the ancient tale in a social media post, but he decided to make it right, so he enlisted the help of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib.

“It turned out that the Maccabees were committing genocide, not the Greeks,” says Kamala. “Not everyone knows that.”

Furious, Joe calls out to the only loyal member of the Biden family left, his German Shepherd Commander: “Attack her, boy!”

The Commander breaks away from gnawing on the secret service agent’s femur, but even he has no interest in Kamala.

Suddenly there is an alarming knock on the window.

Outside, a waxed, botoxed ghoul presses his filler-filled face against the glass.

“Is that Caitlyn Jenner?!” Dr. Jill screams.

KJP recognizes the intruder: “It’s Matt Goetz! He is here for his previous pardon.

“Absolutely not,” declares Joe. “I cannot condone rampant drug abuse and the encouragement of prostitution.”

Everyone turns to look at Hunter.

“Okay,” Joe admits. “But I will only allow a minor intrusion into the White House.”

Then Goetz breaks through the window and takes the first four rows of chairs.

“Congratulations to the Chief” blares and everyone, including Biden, stands at attention as an outraged Barack Obama bursts into the room.

“Joey, I told you not to throw parties while I’m gone. What’s going on here?” he demands

“My apologies, Your Highness,” Biden mutters as he salutes. “I thought everyone knew by now that I had never been actually president, there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun. Do you want trash?

Obama shakes his head and leaves. This year he is spending Christmas alone. Michelle with the girls on David Geffen’s yacht.

Hunter, Jill, Kamala and KJP gather around Joe for a group hug to savor the moment before all trappings of power are removed forever.

Hunter tries to smile and says, “Merry Christmas, Dad.”

Joe looks at him unblinkingly and replies, “What is Christmas?”

At the same time, they are all laughing like idiots at the special last Christmas in the Biden family.