I ask Eric: My jealous mother is spreading harmful lies about me

Dear Eric! My father died of cancer in 2020. He and my mother were married for 53 years.

A year later, my only sibling died suddenly of a massive heart attack. So, my mother and I left.

We never had a good relationship. Very tense, a lot of jealousy (she, not me).

Both of my parents were very close to my children growing up. Ever since my dad and brother died, my mom has been getting meaner, meaner, ruder and spreading rumors about me and my kids. To the point where she told several people, including my long-term boyfriend, that I had cheated on my ex-husband (the father of my children). This is an outright lie.

I am at a place in my life where I no longer want to let her disturb my peace. My question is how is her only living child, am I wrong?

We live two states away, when I see her we feel good in short hops. But if she is not visiting, there is no contact by my choice. Can you advise?

– Distant relatives

Dear relatives: I am so sorry for your losses. Coping with grief is hard enough without maintaining a conflicted and possibly violent relationship with your mother. Given that you’ve never been okay and that her grieving process can lead her to act out in an unkind and unhealthy way, the boundary you’ve set sounds like a healthy one. There is healing to be done all around, but this is impossible if your relationship with your mother creates new emotional trauma.

It would be helpful to tell her in a calm moment why you are setting a boundary and what it is. “From my point of view, every time we’re together (x happens) and it’s not something I’m willing to put up with. I would like to find a different way of relating to each other. If you’re interested in working on it together, I’m open to it. But as we found out, these shorter visits are the best option for me.”

Relationships develop throughout life. To keep them healthy, we need to stand up for what we need and be clear about what is not acceptable.