Gilmore Girls, Modern Family, and Mean Girls Ruined Halloween: Here’s Why

No coming of age TV show or high school movie is complete without a Halloween episode or party scene. And if you were raised on it, you might still be waiting for your own Halloween to be as wild, fun, and scary as it was when you were too young or too shy to be a sexy pumpkin. But it turns out those creative geniuses in the writers’ room were just trying to liven up another workday, because Halloween is often just another mediocre Thursday, only with more flammable clothing…

A luxurious party

On the fictional Halloween of our teenage years, the entire high school turns out for the richest kid in the legendary Halloween Ball. Think thousands of gloomy lights, foggy cars, themed cocktails and eyeball mocktails, and a vampire DJ who may or may not have actually been there. Mark Ronson. In real life, a Halloween party for kids, teens, and adults alike is usually a last-minute group chat where half the guests cancel and the rest show up with mulled wine, sugary candy, and maybe a broom.

Plus, maybe we just move in the wrong circles, but no one actually lives in a house like this.

Stunning home decor

It’s totally okay to wish you’d grown up in the Dunphy household, and never more so than on Halloween. You can always rely on Modern family guys to go all out in the pursuit of Halloween perfection with the scariest house on the block, thousands of dollars in decorations and lots of tricky draws. In fact, people have jobs. They just don’t have time to come up with it. Oh, Phil, adopt, please us.

Thoughtful costumes

I am a mouse, yes! As Evil girls A voiceover says, “In the world of girls, Halloween is the only night of the year when a girl can dress up as a whore, and no other girl can say anything about it.” The same was applied in shows like Catwhere Halloween costumes were Met Gala worthy, and in sitcoms like New Girl, How I Met Your Mother and of course friendswhere the costumes were either hot or witty, fun, and most importantly, actually planned. In real life—at least when you’re out of college and have actual responsibilities—they’re hastily bought drugstore monsters that fall apart if you ever do a load of laundry. And if you still decide and go even more risky Evil girls? It’s forever on social media.

The perfect crisp outdoor environment

Who doesn’t want their neighborhood to look like Stars Hollow on Halloween — or year-round, for that matter? Enabled Gilmore Girlsevery pumpkin is perfectly round and perfectly glowing, and the weather is always wonderfully crisp, creating the most delightful lighting—not that any of the reliably shimmering denizens need it. In fact, at this time of year, the streets are littered with discarded wigs and dejected pumpkins, whose heads have been smashed by drunken people in werewolf costumes.

Experience a magic trick or treat

How many Halloween movies have you seen where magical kids in homemade costumes gleefully fill magical spooky baskets with the colorful candies of their dreams? In fact, at 8:00 p.m., many people are hiding inside with the lights off and “We’re out of candy!” sign on the door — and in the age of food allergies and health, many of these candies are just raisins and disappointments.

Award-winning pumpkins

You can blame Pinterest or the many movies and TV shows featuring spectacular pumpkins in the background, which we now understand were carved by incredibly talented Hollywood decorating professionals, growing up assuming that one day we too will wake up with the skills to turn a root vegetable into a work of modern art. In reality, pumpkin carving involves a slippery mess, constant frustration, and usually results in a tiny cat face with one sad droopy eye — and lots of finger injuries (real blood adds a certain authenticity, though). Plus, you’ll have to figure out what to do with the mountain of pumpkin innards next.

Perfectly planned terror

Shows how Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson’s Creek and even The Simpsons there have been some terrifyingly good Halloween episodes where the paranormal either happened or was hinted at. In real life, the worst thing you’ll probably experience on Halloween is running out of wine or realizing your costume doesn’t have a pocket for your phone charger. If you’re lucky, you might see a flickering street lamp on your way home.