Dear Annie! The sister’s cruel, drunken words made dad’s suicide even worse

Dear Annie!

My father died by suicide in 2021. My sister, who was supportive at first, then drunkenly called my mother and said a lot of nasty things about me and my mother. For some reason, my mother didn’t interrupt the conversation and later told me what my sister had said, specifically that my father killed himself because my other sister and I were “unstable” and couldn’t take care of him.

I haven’t spoken to my drunken sister in years. Earlier, she ruined the family Thanksgiving with another drunken outburst, and also blew the money I gave her on a car. I want to confront her but I know she will deny it and deflect it to try to hurt me. I don’t have time for that; I am disabled with severe recurrent depression and anxiety. I found my dad, which was very difficult for me, and I was devastated that my sister not only didn’t get it, but continued to mistreat me.

Should I reach out and begrudgingly text her explaining why I haven’t been texting her since I found out what she said to our mother again while drunk? It’s only because she won’t talk to me on the phone, only through text. Or should I just go my own way? – It still hurts

Dear, it still hurts:

It looks like the confrontation will end up with your sister again taking responsibility for your family’s difficulties, which will only hurt and frustrate you.

While I’m sure she’s still dealing with the loss of your father in her own way, as long as your sister continues to drink, it’s unlikely that any productive changes will occur. Protecting your own peace seems like a much better use of your time until your sister is ready to listen and take responsibility for the pain she’s caused in your life. You can find solace in your local Al-Anon chapter by connecting with others who understand this struggle well.

“How can I forgive my partner’s betrayal?” it worked now! Annie Lane’s second anthology—featuring her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation—is available in paperback and e-book. visit for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].