Dear Annie! Mom wants to move, but her hoarding is making it messy … in more ways than one

DEAR ANNIE: My elderly mother wants to move from her house in the country to a smaller house in the city. It’s her idea and she’s already looking for a home. However, she has a house, a garage and a shed full of knick-knacks. I estimate that it will take us about six months to sort out, dispose of, donate, etc. the excess if we are given reasonable decision-making influence. We are limited to only working on it on weekends because my family and I both work and have families of our own.

Many family members came to start cleaning the barn, doing the hard and dirty work for Mom. For the most part, she was fine with starting to clean out the shed and dispose of my dad’s things. However, when we threw away her unwanted or dangerous things, she would either get angry or pull things out of the trash (I mean cloth covered in mouse droppings or things made of rotting wood). This is something that no one would move to a new house. My whole family can see that when we get to dealing with the house, she won’t be smart because most of these things are hers.

About 10 years ago, my entire extended family got together for the weekend to help mom and dad clean out their garage and basement because we could all see a semi-stacking/out-of-control situation going on. Dad could no longer park in the garage because it was full. Both of our parents had too much stuff everywhere and didn’t have time to put things in their rightful places when they were done with them. They had stuff lining the basement stairs and the impenetrable passages in the basement. The father cooperated and was happy to help. He admitted that everything was wrong. Mom fought with us at every step.

Mom always keeps things that should have been thrown away a long time ago. For example, when she and Dad moved into this house, she moved products that were over 15 years old and told us they were still usable. No amount of discussion could get her to throw the thing away.

I’m not interested in arguing with her about cleaning the house – I’ve been there, done that.

I told my family that if it got too hard to work with mom, I would let her handle it herself. If she can’t move because she doesn’t want to downsize her stuff, then she can’t move. After I said that, my sibling told me that I was being mean and that if Mom wanted to move, we should help her. I don’t think I’m angry. I try to keep my sanity and calmness. I am willing to help, but I believe there are limits. As long as mom is safe in the house she is in now, I don’t see anything wrong with her staying there.

How can I navigate this without ticking off my siblings? — Torn and tired

DEAR THORNE! You and your family are fighting an uphill battle and I agree with you that it is not a bad thing to keep your boundaries for the sake of your sanity. Your mother probably wants to downsize, but intention doesn’t mean execution.

Continue to encourage her to take steps toward decluttering. Help when you can—and in the right space—to do so. You can also consider what local resources are available in her area, from trash removal to support groups. Stubbornness aside, your mother says she wants to make big changes in her life, and she desperately needs it for her quality of life and safety. Your support and that of your family will surely help her get closer to that.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].