“I have to choose between love or moving abroad alone for my career – which is the right choice?” – The Irish Times

Dear Ro,

I hope you can give me some guidance, even if I will keep some details vague to protect my privacy. I’m in my late thirties and I met my partner this year who is amazing. They make me very happy and we both said we can see a future together. But this month I was told that I would be on the lookout for a professional opportunity that would require me to be out of the country for at least a year and a half, with the option to extend for another three years. The offer is exciting and would be a great move for me professionally, but I’m also nervous about moving to another country. My partner cannot move in with me due to his own work and family commitments. I’m torn on what to do. I know that what I have with my partner is special and that I have been looking for love for a long time. I know if I had stayed, we could have built a great life here, although there are many unknowns about the move. On the other hand, this is a really great opportunity that I would definitely take if I hadn’t met my partner, and I’m worried that I can’t give up a big career move for a relationship that doesn’t come with guarantees. We could do long-distance moves, and if the move was definitely only 18 months, we’d be fine, but the possibility of going longer than that seems too long. I worry that I will make the wrong decision and regret it. How do I know which is the right choice?

Joni Mitchell has a song Hejirawhere she sings, “You know it ain’t never been easy/ Whether you settle in or break free/ Whether you travel the breadth of limbs/ Whether you keep some straighter line.” It was never easy. It will never be easy. No plan we make for our lives will ever be free of difficulties, challenges, or upsets. So how about we free ourselves from the illusion of right and wrong decisions and the black and white thinking they perpetuate and the intense pressure they can create.

You can stay or you can go. Neither plan will end with you being completely happy, and both paths will have moments of self-doubt and pangs of regret. Each path will have its own unique difficulties, challenges and difficulties. The choice is not between one “right” way and one “wrong” way – the choice is how complicated do you want it? What values ​​do you want to embrace and which will be true to you even when life seems difficult? In 50 years, when you look back on your life, what path will you be able to look back on and say, “I made some sacrifices and I struggled, but I made a choice that seems to lead me to myself?”

( “I fell in love with a man who just ended a 12-year relationship – and still lives with his ex”Opens in a new window )

Moving toward yourself will look and feel different for everyone, depending on what you value (or what you value at this time in your life; this may change over time, and that’s okay, too). Moving inward can feel like safety, like commitment, like staying where you are and building something with someone you love. Or it may feel like you’re challenging yourself, pushing yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone and growing with new experiences. These are not always binary options; sometimes staying still with someone you love is about security and commitment, but it also means new experiences that require emotional bravery that takes you out of your comfort zone. Moving to a new country may be a new experience in many ways, but leaving a relationship before it has a chance to fully develop is a familiar pattern. Consider your options independently of each other; to pretend that there is no other option. When you think about staying in Ireland and staying with your partner, what makes you think about this option? Don’t just think about how much you love your partner, think about the whole package – how would you feel living here, working here, living here? What parts of you does it excite and invigorate? Are these the best parts of you?

Now think about the challenges you will face along the way, practical and emotional. Think about how your career will feel. And knowing that there are never any guarantees in life and that your relationship may or may not last, think about how you will feel about sacrificing your career for love – is it in line with your values? Will it feel bold, hopeful, like you value romance, connection, and personal fulfillment over work? Or will it feel like a diminution, a sacrifice, a loss of personal commitment and development?

Now think about how to leave, considering which parts of you feel excited and alive. Think about the inevitable challenges and opportunities for growth that will arise after moving to a new country. If it turns out to be more difficult than expected, or your career doesn’t go as planned, will you be able to stick with your decision to end a year-long but special relationship to try something new and challenging in a new place? Will it feel like a step toward self-development that you’ll be proud of, regardless of the outcome? Or will you regret focusing on your career instead of relationships?

If you make one choice, love or career, how will you still honor your passion for the other? If you stay, will you still be able to build a career that is exciting, challenging, and fulfilling? If you leave, will you still be able to value connection and love while remaining open to new friends and romance?

( “My girlfriend has serious trust issues. I stopped mentioning any women, even in passing.”Opens in a new window )

You don’t have to know how things will turn out, and you don’t have to pressure yourself into making choices that have no consequences or struggles. All you have to do is make the decision that is right for your life, think about what challenges you want, and believe that you can handle the challenges that come.

I have no idea which way is best for you – I couldn’t. I don’t know what you want or need from your life right now, or what path will bring you closer to yourself. Only you can know – and even then you have to admit that maybe if the choice was presented to you five years ago or five years in the future, your choice might be different, and that’s okay too. Make the best decision using the information you have now and make your choice.

This brings me to my gut feeling about your choice, which of course you can ignore, but I’ll offer it anyway: make a choice and do it right instead of doing two things wrong. I’ve had long distance relationships, and they can be beautiful and meaningful – but only if they actively complement your present and future life, not detract from it. Being in this relationship while moving to another country for one or maybe four years will not allow you to properly commit. You won’t be able to jump into life and think about building a future in this new place if the opportunity arises, and you won’t be able to grow in the relationship the way you could if you were living together and building a life.

Life will always be exciting, difficult and full of surprises and disappointments. Choose which exciting and amazing choice is most like self-love, and choose the hard thing that seems like the most rewarding struggle. I wish you luck.