What is “retroactive jealousy”—and how can I stop it from ruining my relationship?

Instead, she recommends turning your curiosity into more open-ended questions that will make the conversation more productive and convenient for all participants. So switch places, “What did your ex do that pissed you off the most???” something like “Did your last relationship teach you anything about conflict resolution or dispute resolution in general?” (See how this setting focuses on growth rather than comparisons and sounds much better?)

4. Accept what is right in front of you

According to both experts, one of the best ways to prevent your partner’s past relationships from overshadowing your happiness is to focus on the amazing connection you have in the present. “Remember, bygones are bygones,” says Quinlan. “And it’s important to recognize that they choose to be here with you now.”

You can stay grounded in your current situation by practicing gratitude for what (or who) you have today, she says, such as making a list in a note-taking app of what makes your relationship special and referring to it whenever your retroactive jealousy creeps in. Or actively strengthen your bond by creating new memories together: plan a weekend getaway to a city you’ve both been dying to explore, say, or turn casual dates into a weekly tradition. The more invested you are in your love life, the less you will feel the need to compare it to their past.

5. Discuss your jealous thoughts together

Opening up about your feelings doesn’t have to turn into a heated confrontation or a dramatic confession of your low self-esteem. It’s more about facing adversity (in this case, retroactive jealousy) as a team rather than letting it drive distance between you.

The key to having a productive conversation, according to both experts, is to maintain respectful but open communication, which you can do by focusing on your feeling. No accusations, accusations or attacks. Quinlan and Reynolds recommend sticking to reliable self-statements. Think: “I know this may sound silly, but it hurts me a little that you never gave me flowers, especially after you mentioned doing it a lot with your last partner” vs. “Why don’t you ever get me roses? Did you love them more?”

It can also help express what you want more (or less) from your significant other, says Quinlan. If you’re looking for reassurance that it’s all in your head, you might start with something like, “I’ve been paranoid lately, and it would be helpful to hear that you’re as committed to this relationship as I am.” Or, if there’s a specific reason for your jealousy (like how often the conversation mentions their ex’s “unbelievably great” kitchen), try a sympathetic but non-accusatory approach like, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d talk less about your last girlfriend “. . I’m a little uncomfortable with that. How do you feel about that?”