Struggle with family jealousy and memory problems

Dear Eric!

I have been with my husband for 25 years, married for the last seven. We have children from previous marriages, I have six grandchildren.

He was abused as a child and worked in therapy to deal with it, but then stopped. He lost one grandmother early and had no contact with the other. I had wonderful grandmothers, so I loved being a grandparent. He appears jealous and negative at family events if he is not the center of attention.

I find my kids turn to it to connect. He is very successful in his career and loves excitement. I bond with his children and acknowledge their needs by making sure they are noticed when they visit. They are younger and do not yet have children.

My children lost their father years ago and encourage him to be a grandfather, but my husband is jealous of their dead father. We were at my grandson’s birthday yesterday and he was gloomy and had to leave early. He is not talking to me today to punish me. I do not reinforce this childish behavior by demanding his attention. I continue to enjoy life, remain cordial and social with others. At the age of 70, I have a life and a career, but it inhibits joy.

– a happy grandmother

Dear Radisny:

It’s good that you don’t put up with such behavior. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to understand where he’s coming from and help him feel comfortable. But some of his behavior has signs of emotional abuse, which puts him in a different category.

Specifically his jealousy, his push for both of you to leave the family gathering, and now the silent treatment. He may not have the tools to deal with the emotions he’s feeling, but he should know that these tactics are putting you and your relationship at risk.

Although he did not have a good relationship with his grandparents or parents, there are resources to help him break the cycle and learn new tools. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has steps to take and advocates who can help you make changes. Resuming therapy that focuses on how his behavior affects his family is also a good option that he should definitely consider.

It is important that you have the support you need to continue to experience the joy of parenthood and grandparenthood. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or helpline to talk about what’s going on and get help talking to your husband.

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Dear Eric!

I’m in my late 70’s and most of my friends are in their 70’s as well. I forget things now and so do my friends. But some forget much more than others. So, when I’m talking to a friend and they respond to something I said before as something new, what do I say?

Often it’s what we discussed, not what was mentioned. And it was often discussed more than once. It seems like every time I talk to one friend in particular. Most of the forgotten things are not monumental. It can be a book or a conversation with each other.

When I forgot something with a forgetful friend, I was admonished with a firm “I told you so” and she actually forgot, but I had no way to explain why I forgot. Maybe it’s a normal part of getting older, or maybe I’m making too much of it, but it’s starting to bother me.

– Memory concerns

Dear memory:

While the things your friend forgets may be minor, they could be a sign of a bigger problem, so it’s good that you noticed. Even if this is a normal part of your friend’s aging process, keeping track of the aspects that worry you, being patient with your friend, and having calm, compassionate one-on-one conversations about what you’ve noticed are good first steps.

The Alzheimer’s Association website (alz.org) has a 10-step guide for helping others with memory problems. The main components are:

• Assessing the situation – noticing changes, looking at what else is going on, and determining if others have noticed something wrong.
• Taking action through conversation – Give specific examples of the behavior you have observed and ask if it is bothering your friend.
• Ask for help – study, call the hotline of the association, offer to visit the doctor together with your friend.

Going through this kind of change in yourself and others can be scary and isolating, so I’m glad you’re looking out for your friend. You don’t need to troubleshoot or even diagnose anything. There are professionals and free resources that work well for this. But if you talk to your friend with kindness and patience, she may feel comfortable enough to take the next step in self-care.