my drunk colleagues gossip that I don’t drink – ask the manager

The reader writes:

I found myself in a really strange situation. This weekend I attended a work conference with almost all of my colleagues. We are attorneys at a fairly large “small” law firm.

At the end of the conference day, we all had dinner together. My close colleague, Jenna, and I arrived for dinner earlier than the rest of our colleagues. I ordered a mocktail.

At dinner, another colleague pulled an “I’ll Have What She’s Having” and ordered my drink. I didn’t notice that. When he arrived without alcohol, she must have been surprised. For reasons I can’t fathom, this led to my co-workers (all around my age, almost all female, all co-workers too) assuming I was pregnant. My colleagues were VERY drunk.

When we left lunch, one of my co-workers, Sarah, asked me point-blank if this was true. I asked her why she thought that and explained that I don’t drink because I’m going to a big party tomorrow and drinking two nights in a row is just too much for me.

Another colleague, Rose, cornered me and told me she heard I was pregnant. I asked where she had heard something like that and she told me that all the colleagues were talking about it, she heard that I was “trying” and she thought it was better to go directly to the source than just speculate. Rose has been very open about her own fertility issues, so I found her questions absolutely shocking. I told her that if I had something to report, she would hear about it. I told her again that I was going to a party tomorrow and didn’t want to drink two nights in a row. Sarah, standing by, said, “You don’t have to explain yourself.” Which… it probably isn’t!

Rosa reminded me that if our boss found out about this through gossip, he would be furious. perfectly

Then Rose and another co-worker, Amanda, offered drinks. Knowing that I was under such close scrutiny, I asked them to bring me a glass of sparkling wine. Rosa returned with the wine, announced to the group that I could now “prove” I wasn’t pregnant, and continued to watch me drink with Amanda. I drank about half a glass before saying I was going to bed as it was after 11pm.

I was late for the first panel the next morning. Jenna told me the group was still guessing, told me I wasn’t drinking enough (!) and must really be pregnant. At the end of the conversation, I cut Rose off and told her I was uncomfortable, it was rude, and to stop speculating about my health.

That’s the thing. I am pregnant. It’s still early, I’m not ready to share, and even my relatives don’t know yet! I don’t even know if this child is healthy and developing normally. Our boss is kind of paranoid. If he hears these gossips, it will surely have negative consequences for me. I am scared and feel wild discomfort.

We don’t have HR. I have no idea what to do. Confront each of these colleagues individually for incredibly inappropriate behavior? Announce early to avoid gossip? I can think of one partner in the firm whom I trust enough to talk to about this. What should I do?

WTF! Your colleagues are wildly out of order.

Not only is it rude and aggressive to speculate whether someone is pregnant, let alone ask them (and no, Rose, it’s not better to “go straight to the source”), but it’s also ridiculous to assume that someone is pregnant just because they don’t drink. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not drink at any given time: your own reason is not wanting to drink two nights in a row, or they’re on medication that prevents that, or they’re trying to drink less, or they’re driving later, or they haven’t eaten much today and don’t want to drink on an empty stomach, or they prefer not to lose their temper at work events, or they just don’t feel like it.

It’s amazing that your colleagues care about you so much. Even if they see drinking together as a nice bonding ritual at work conferences, it’s extremely weird to be so put off that someone else doesn’t feel it – and I wonder if you’re drinking to make them feel defensive about how many they were all drinking considering you described them as “VERY drunk”. Some people become like that.

I hate that you feel like you had to order a drink to get them to stop bothering you. If you could go back and do it again, I’d tell them that they’re out of line, that there are tons of reasons why someone might not drink, and that the topic has become tiresome, and that’s why you’re leaving.

And as for what to do now, you definitely don’t need to announce your pregnancy any sooner than you would! They have no right to that information, and there’s no reason you should burden yourself with it to deflect gossip.

Normally I’d say one option is to let them gossip if they want to and just decide you don’t care. But you’re worried about the consequences if it gets back to your boss, so it might seem impossible. (More on that in a minute.) Personally, I would like you to tell every one of the colleagues involved, given how offensive it is. Example: “There can be many reasons why someone does not drink, not only pregnancy. Many of these reasons are personal and private, and getting people to share them in a work context is pretty terrifying. I also don’t like that you’re wondering if I could be pregnant — and I hope you’ll think about how that would affect someone struggling with infertility. If someone is pregnant and willing to share, they will. Please be courteous and respectful to me and others and shut this down.”

Separately: what about the “undoubtedly negative consequences” of pregnancy with your boss? This is not normal (and this illegal if your employer has 15 or more employees) and you will need a plan to deal with this problem whenever you announce if it happens. If your boss is truly hostile to pregnancy and you believe he may be illegally discriminating against you, it might be a good idea for this plan to include speaking with an employment attorney.